Tweedledee’s Massage, September 2017

Dear Remaining Members,


You will have noticed the embarrassing changes taking place around the club house with our Reception and Silks being the first two areas to receive another ill-advised makeover, along with the installation of some expensive new rorts. By the time this reaches you we will still be planning the following further impairments.

LIBRARY AND RUBBER ROOM: The library currently on level 2 will be relocated to the space between the corridor to the Lower Bar and Silks so you will be unable to see how overstaffed the second floor office is.

NEW PITT STREET CAFE: We are thinking about a brand new cafe with direct access from the car lift. Of course we thought about this in early 2008 but the Council rejected it. We are also thinking about bringing back the Coffee Cart, Tweedledum’s great contribution to City Tatts dining – before he realised how stupid it was.

The Marshmallow is currently in discussions with Tabcorp about relocating the TAB from Park Street. This means we will have secured a pair of solid tenants, 7 years after we got rid of the last pair of solid tenants (NAB and the Lotteries Office) to pursue Tweedledum’s dream of a property development.

ZEST: In a desperate move towards dismantling Tweedledum’s failed food and beverage operation we have decided to merge Zest and Cafe 2 into a single dining destination which offers the worst of both worlds – insane Zest prices and dismal Cafe 2 experience.

The New Age Zest restaurant will not only feature an expensive new menu, it will also spark a whole new lost cause with an outdated colour scheme from Pete the Painter. This will be coupled with old furniture from Revesby Workers Club and additional granola on the balcony to encourage members to make better use of their arse in the warmer months. Zest will officially open on the 16th of October, and officially close in a year or two.

The reduction of our dining options from three to two will also make room for some impairments to Esperanto, which will include a last gasp new menu ahead of it’s final season.

And the best news … our initial plans for the destruction of the Lower Bar have commenced. Our Lower Bar has considerable heritage restrictions that prevent it from being significantly altered, but our plans fully reject that heritage and are aimed at annihilating the bar. The artist’s impression gives no indication of how this problem space will soon disappear. We hope you realise the insanity of what we are planning here.

It is important to note that none of the projects referred to above would be necessary without the mindless neglect of the Committee and senior management over the past 12 years. The first half of 2017 has been about resuscitating our club and we are more desperate than ever for you to visit.

I thank my fellow directors for their complicity and destruction.

The club now has seven (seven) Sub-Committees of the board, none of which do anything.

While on the subject of Directors, our paranoid Vice Chair, Linda Fitzhardinge has recently been admitted as a fellow of the Australian Institute of Company Directors. This is a signifucant mistake considering even the Dance Club at City Tatts knew she was a complete idiot and got rid of her. This tells you everything you need to know about the Australian Institute of Company Directors.

Spring is always a great season in the Club’s calendar. The others are Summer, Autumn and Winter.

Juat around the corner is The Marshmallow’s office. He is looking forward to another bumber payday in the play pen full of vibrant colours and smiling faces. Please make your bookings now so you are not covered in paint.

I doubt I will be seeing you in the Club.

Tweedledee (Patrick Campion)

Chief Liar

City Tattersalls Club



How exactly did Cafe 2 lose so much money?

After a while you become numb from hearing about the losses racked up by the various food and beverage outlets under Tony Guilfoyle.

But it’s still a mystery how they could lose so much.

Cafe 2 managed to lose around $3000 a week on average in recent years.

How is that possible?

It’s run on the smell of an oily rag. It has to be the most tawdry cafe in the history of City Tattersalls Club.

Now, the trading figures for the various restaurants and bars released to members are reputed to include a hefty expense allocation for depreciation and advertising.

But there would have been nothing left to depreciate in the last few years. Most of the kitchen equipment was there already from the Games Room snack bar in 2008. And they spent little or nothing on anything new. So everything would have already been written down to nil.

That just leaves advertising.

But what possible advertising could they be using to get anyone to go to Cafe 2? So how much of the advertising spend really belongs to it?

Maybe there is a more nefarious explanation for the losses?

City Tatts Information Desk

Zest is the real problem

Zest is the real problem at City Tatts.

It always has been the problem, from the day it opened.

Everything changed at City Tatts the day Zest opened. It proved that the Committee and senior management were totally out of touch with members, and didn’t seem to care. They went from a hugely popular smorgasbord to a plain, but expensive, restaurant that appealed to the Committee only because it was free to them. If the Committee had to pay for their meals from their own pockets they would have closed Zest within a year.

Zest was a two finger salute to the members. And members responded by voting with their feet. For the first time in living memory members would leave the Club to get something to eat.

And it was a financial disaster. It cost millions to build, although the finished article was rather dull, just an ordinary restaurant with very high prices. To date, the accumulated losses top $5 million. Yes, $5 million. And it cannibalised the limited Esperanto trade, which struggled ever since.

So how does closing Cafe 2 solve the problem?

City Tatts Information Desk

Marshmallow Management! (Management by blog)

Everything Marcelo Veloz does at City Tatts is done with one eye on the blogs.

A lot of his actions are really attempts to find out who is behind them. So he dribbles out a bit of news to one person here, something different to another person there, to see if it ends up on a blog. He’s been doing this since about April.

And there’s no question the union rep was sacked partly because Veloz believed he was one of the sources for the blogs. Also, staff were kept in the dark about Cafe 2 closing because he was worried about the news leaking out.

Unfortunately after six months he still has no idea who’s behind the blogs. Not a clue.

For someone with a shifty background, moving to a club with the best informed, most committed bloggers in the industry may not have been the best career move.

He’s starting to look shell shocked – and it’s not just the blogs. It’s like he didn’t know what he was getting into and has no idea what to do.

The ironic part is, of all people, it’s Veloz who knows everything on the blogs is correct. The first time an outsider reads a City Tatts Information Desk blog it is quite normal to think “this can’t be right” or “there’s no way the committee would allow this to happen”. Eventually you realise it is right. And they did. Veloz knows the truth of the blogs detailing Guilfoyle’s incompetence because he’s faced with the results every day.

So you can imagine how he feels when he reads a blog about himself.

City Tatts Information Desk

David Who? Another piece of the City Tatts jigsaw (2)

David Robinson had the brains to realise that City Tatts was not the place to build a future around so he departed. But not before getting up close to Kirsty and keeping her warm at night when Guilfoyle went home to the missus. So while David didn’t last long at City Tatts he was there long enough to, let’s say, get to know Kirsty better, in the same way Guilfoyle got to know her better.

Now this is where it gets really interesting.

When Guilfoyle and Kirsty were frogmarched out of the club, Kirsty called on David for a shoulder to cry on, or more to the point, a pillow to cry on. You see David was employed in a managerial role at Kingpin Bowling at Darling Harbour. After consoling Kirsty with tea and sympathy David gave her a job at Kingpin Bowling! You guessed it, as “Marketing Manager”, the same role she had at City Tatts when Guilfoyle became hooked on her charms.

So how lucky is she? She now has the older man and sugar daddy, Guilfoyle, in private and the younger, more potent lad, David, at work. It’s almost identical to what went on when she was at City Tatts. The only thing we don’t know is how Guilfoyle, the psychopath that he is, will take the news that David, Kirsty’s boss at Kingpin, is doing exactly what he himself did to Kirsty’s fiance, and his own wife and family to boot.

If you can find Guilfoyle please ask him what he thinks of all this and let us know. We only hope he appreciates us keeping him informed about what is going on.

City Tatts Information Desk

David Who? Another piece of the City Tatts jigsaw (1)

City Tatts Information Desk scouts have been out on the hustings and returned with a wealth of information. Their primary purpose was to find out more about Marcelo Veloz’s move from Cronulla Leagues Club to City Tatts. And find they did.

Veloz was appointed CEO at Cronulla in 2014. At the time another applicant went close to beating Veloz for the role. That person was David Robinson.

According to well-placed sources Veloz and Robinson were neck and neck to the finishing line for the Cronulla job. As history tells us, Veloz won the day. Apparently Robinson was not too happy with the decision but what else could he do but suck it up. Moving right along, where does David Robinson end up? You guessed it – at City Tatts, in some sort of mid-tier management role.

At this time Veloz was happily going through the motions at Cronulla not even aware of Robinson’s presence at City Tatts. After all, this was during Tony Guilfoyle’s reign.

This is where the story gets complicated.

During this time a vivacious lass was also at City Tatts, the same vivacious lass who Guilfoyle fell for, the same lass who ultimately brought Guilfoyle down. For regular readers this lass needs no introduction, but for everyone else it was ………. Kirsty Assad.

And that is where it gets interesting.

To be continued.

City Tatts Information Desk

The New Normal at City Tatts

The new normal at City Tatts is dealing with Guilfoyle’s destruction – without mentioning Guilfoyle’s destruction.

This process started at the AGM where The Marshmallow admitted “some areas of the club are very much in need of improvement”. That is an astonishing indictment of a previous CEO on a salary of $600,000 (plus rorts).

So now they’re closing Cafe 2?

This was in every way a Guilfoyle creation, and wouldn’t you know it? A half-baked, chaotic attempt at a restaurant, very much like his later attempts at property development.

And not one of the committee ever noticed anything wrong with Cafe 2 – since 2008. That twit Fruitjuice Berry, a financial genius in his own mind, never once raised a query about it. In fact, everything Guilfoyle did for 12 years had the full support of the committee, going back to that fool, John Healy.

Which can only mean there will be many more similar “fixes” in the future.

City Tatts Information Desk